How I feel today just feels so melodramatic. I know my life is basically good. I know my family is blessed in a thousand ways. I know that I have personally grown so much and am so thankful for that. And yet...
Today began with bickering kids. Then, I noticed a message on my phone. From my employer. Wondering where I was today... Today? I'm off on Tuesdays. Except for last week when I specifically asked for my day off to be switched to accommodate a doctor's appointment. But that was an exception to the rule. Except that my manager wasn't sure of that and scheduled me identically this week and I failed to notice when the schedule was posted. And, so... the message on my phone that I didn't notice until my shift was almost over.
It is a small thing. A mistake and oversight anyone could have made. A miscommunication that is forgivable. I know this. In fact, my manager forgave me and put me on the schedule for tomorrow as normal. So why can't I let go of it? Why do I feel so very inadequate and guilty over something I would easily forgive in someone else?
This overdeveloped sense of guilt; this feeling that mistakes are unacceptable has plagued me since childhood. A "B" was not good enough; an "A" really only counted if it was 100%; I would not try activities that I did not feel I could excel in - better to miss out than to fail. Better to look stuck up and not participate than to look the fool when I couldn't accomplish something. Better to just say no than to say yes and then wind up letting everyone down. Better to have few friends than let many people in and have them realize that I was flawed. Immensely. The weight of the world on my shoulders.
I don't know why. Maybe I feel the effect of my choices on others too strongly. Maybe I worry too much about how others view me. Maybe personal responsibility and integrity can be carried too far and leave no room for mercy and human failing. The sentiment was only strengthened by my years of life in the fishbowl of on-staff ministry. How I was viewed directly affected how my husband was viewed; better get it right. All the time.
I am struggling today. Struggling to reconcile what I know to be true with my emotions. Struggling to silence the voice that is calling me a failure and telling me that my lack of perfection is causing those with whom I work to think less of me. Struggling to live in the forgiveness that I would extend to another in my position. Balancing on the precipice of depression which I have fought so hard to overcome.
Trying so hard to remember that love covers a multitude of imperfections. Even mine.
***Edit: Thomas Alva Edison: "I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work." So there, melodrama. I just found something that doesn't work. Onward to discover that which does!!
It is about time for an update!
5 years ago